La La La, I Can’t Hear You!

A colleague recently directed me to a blog by a prospective adoptive parent, containing a post discussing politics and adoption. The author of the blog made the following remark in the comments:

I also think that by feeling that you have a right to know your bio parents you violate the rights of the bio parents who do not want to be named. Why do your rights supercede theirs?

I posted a followup comment, which was not approved for publication:

Why do their rights (or yours, for that matter) supercede ours?

She has moderation for comments turned on (as do I, to avoid spam comments), which is fine. I don’t particularly care that she didn’t post my comment, except I know a couple other people who attempted to post similar opinions, and the next thing you know, this is her next post:


And this is exactly what we mean when we talk about the entitlement mentality of some adopters and prospective adopters.

There are some people out there who just don’t want to accept that birth relatives and adoptees have their own experiences with adoption, and that those experiences are not always positive. No one wants to admit that birth relatives and adoptees grieve, that adoption isn’t 100% happy-fuzzy. Any attempts to have an actual conversation with such people are pointless. They will immediately put their hands over their ears and refuse to hear a single word.

To the author of the aforementioned blog, I would like to ask what you’re so afraid of. Yes, talking about these aspects of adoption is a yucky business, but if you don’t clean the wound it’s going to fester. And I can GUARANTEE you, if you maintain this attitude after adopting, you will do nothing but alienate the person you adopt. The adorable child you are so eager to hold is going to turn into a damn angry adult or, dare I say, bastard, who will want to know why the people he/she called “parents” refused to acknowledge that grief.

And I’ve had this conversation with adopters before. The best of them say, “Really? I’ve never talked to an adult adoptee/birth relative before. What’s your experience? Why didn’t you like it? What can I do to make things better if I adopt?” They may be afraid, angry, bitter or confused, but the one quality they share is the ability to put aside their own feelings to listen to another’s perspective. And that is a critical quality for anyone thinking of adopting a child.

Here’s a warning of my own. If you don’t want to hear what adoptees and birth relatives really think, don’t blog about adoption–and certainly don’t adopt.


  1. Great blog, Triona about that ignorant blogger who doesn’t want to even hear from adoptees who are far more intelligent about the subject than she. God pity any children she adopts because I fear she won’t listen at all to them if they express a void in their life or a desire to know their origins. She would probably disown them if they ever mentioned wanting their OBC.

    I understand bloggers trying to prevent spammers from posting. But I don’t understand an adoption blogger not wanting other adoption blogger to post comments on their views even if they do differ.

    She is definitely beyond trying to educate and should not be an adoptive parent in my opinion.

  2. Exactly so! And very well said.

    I replied to her blog in much the same vein very politely and described the very different attitude that my adoptive parents had toward my very natural desire to know the truth and how they did everything they could to help me answer my questions.

    I think that’s a big part of why I bonded with my adoptive family. I hope the agency they work with insists on open adoption for the sake of the child.

  3. Makes me think of these lyrics from S&G’s ‘The Boxer’:”…still the man hears what he wants to hear
    And disregards the rest”.

  4. Yo! the first thing that caught my eye was that the site you refer to is an LDS site, and LDS agencies, the whole gd Mormon church is against searching…one of my fellow bloggers at had the misfortune to have her daughter be adopted by Mormons, and though the daughter searched, she has done a 180 and has basically shut down contact. Jane is going to be posting about LDS and their relationship to open records (basically, keep them closed) today.

    LDS has been, and continues to be, the enemy of open records.

  5. It is appalling to me that prospective adopters are unwilling to have a frame of reference outside of their own experience to consider what it is like to be adopted. If adoption were to be practiced in the best interest of the child, then I would hope that any human being would consider that having your basic information (name, heritage, medical history – to name a few) should be a civil right – not a commodity. I am saddened that in the year of 2008 people still have such archaic ideas, believing that adoptees should not have the right to search; that somehow doing so infringes on the rights of another.

    Ignorance is no longer a valid excuse. There is far too much research available today that qualifies the full impacts of adoption on adoptees. Even some adoption agencies are admitting that closed adoptions are archaic and only conduct open adoptions (though don’t get me started on the “legal” enforcement of these morally binding contracts).

    It is a shame that some people really do say “la la la, I can’t hear you!” UGGGHHHH!

  6. Well I checked out the site.

    Open adoption with this one – I don’t think that is going to work.

    It gave me a slight chuckle to see her “My Dad’s a Policeman” comment.
    Being – I worked in a law office and I know lawyers. I’ll get a court order.

    When I first contacted my son, his adoptive parents threatened to call their lawyer. Fortunately, I am a lawyer so I didn’t feel too threatened.

    I am making light here but mostly I found her site and particularly her closed mindedness frightening and sad.

  7. http://Anonymous says

    I saw that blog. Someone should tell LDS mom that the secret to her fertility just may lie in dropping 50 pounds. “God’s gits” might be found at a Weight watchers meeting.

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.