Adoption Stereotypes-Bring Your Twelve-Sided Dice!

I’ve talked before about the stereotypes we find in adoption. Today I’m going to lay them out, Dungeons and Dragons style, so we can see what they really reveal.


    Strength: None
    Intelligence: None
    Charisma: None
    Weapon: None
    Armor: None

    The Perpetual Child is an NPC (non-player character) that anyone can control. You can easily obtain one at any tavern, inn, or local gnome’s lair. They’re worth a fortune to the seller, but their only power is the Spell Of Assuaging Guilt In Adoptive Families.


    Strength: 18
    Intelligence: More than expected
    Charisma: None-adoptees are insignificant
    Weapon: Wand Of Searching
    Armor: Shield Of Origin

    The Crazy Adoptee (also called the Searching Adoptee) lurks inside every Perpetual Child, and emerges when the glow from the Warm Fuzzy Orb Of Adoption fades. Any questions about adoption can bring on the transformation, so if you see an adoptee begin to ask about his or her origins, better run ’em out of town before they turn, like werewolves, into Crazy Adoptees!


    Strength: 18 (+20 in Berserker mode)
    Intelligence: 18 (-5 when dealing with Reputable Adoption Agencies)
    Charisma: None
    Weapon: Vorpal Sword Of Original Birth Certificate Access
    Armor: Elven Chain Mail Of Ingratitude

    Eventually Crazy Adoptees become Stalker Adoptees, haunting the shady dens of late-night news and made-for-TV movies. Obsessed with search, the Stalker Adoptee pursues any avenue to track down and harass blood relatives. They thirst for birth names, and hunger for unconditional records access. The worst ones (“Bastards”) can be found hunkered behind blogs, screaming their misshapen notions at the world.


    Strength: None-birth relatives have no power
    Intelligence: Not as much as Kind Social Workers
    Charisma: -1
    Weapon: Crossbow Of Determination
    Armor: Blood Ties

    Like the Stalker Adoptee, the Stalker Birth Relative can be found seeking the dark recesses of reality television and horror movies. Stalker Birth Relatives prey primarily on Loving Adoptive Families, eagerly awaiting a chance to snatch away a Perpetual Child (or at least turn them into Crazy Adoptees).


    Strength: -1
    Intelligence: None (or so the Reputable Adoption Agencies assume)
    Charisma: -1
    Weapon: The Mother-Child Bond
    Armor: Shield of Ablative Motherhood, rusted

    The Birth Mother desires privacy at all costs, and will immediately hide in her shell should a Perpetual Child or Crazy Adoptee appear. At the sight of a Stalker Adoptee she will scream, siren-like: “I was promised confidentiality!” to every legislator and Reputable Adoption Agency within hearing. She has never regretted her decision and has been able to move forward with her life just as the Kind Social Workers promised.


    Strength: 20
    Intelligence: Neanderthal
    Charisma: 12 (+30 to Birth Mothers)
    Weapon: Broadsword Of Virility
    Armor: A Wink And A Nudge

    All Birth Fathers are Slackers. They abandon Birth Mothers and could care less about the Perpetual Children they sire. None of them ever offered support, and none of them wish to know adoptees, crazy, stalker, or otherwise.


    Strength: 18
    Intelligence: 10
    Charisma: 18 (+20 with Reputable Adoption Agency)
    Weapon: Rogue’s Dagger Of Half-Truths
    Armor: Cloak Of Concealment

    The Kind Social Worker will gladly take that Perpetual Child off your hands. She is smiling, cheerful, and full of wise sayings, like “Most birth mothers forget” and “Children deserve two-parent homes.” Like the eyestalk of a Dalek, the Kind Social Worker has one weakness: she is vulnerable in the face of Pregnant Women Who Educate Themselves About Adoption. But if you give her your Perpetual Child, she’ll disappear in a blink.


    Strength: 50
    Intelligence: Less than estimated
    Charisma: 50
    Weapon: Adoption Stereotypes
    Armor: Gauntlets Of Wealth

    The Reputable Adoption Agency has everyone’s best interests at heart. They’re a charity, in case you can’t tell from the gold-painted walls, and they would never do anything so horrible as deal with known baby brokers or offer children whose parental rights were terminated illegally.


    Strength: Taken by infertility
    Intelligence: Minimal near Kind Social Workers and Reputable Adoption Agencies
    Charisma: See Strength
    Weapon: The Promise Of A Better Life
    Armor: Plate Mail Of Public Opinion

    All adoptive families are Loving, if you missed the brochure. Adoptive parents are screened to make sure they aren’t pedophiles or murderers. They always tell Perpetual Children and Crazy Adoptees the truth about adoption, even when it conflicts with their own desires.

See, isn’t it fun playing the Adoption Game? Let’s keep playing before the Thought Police come to take away our Player’s Handbooks and painted miniatures.


  1. DUDE! You got the new character set? Awesome! Bring them over, my mom says we can use the family room until 11 tonight. I’ve drawn a new map of Vitalia Recordis we can use but I don’t want to be DM this time.

    a/k/a Stalkerna, Stalker Level 5

  2. Now, Theresa, you know my adoptive parents think D&D is satanic. Did I leave my dice bag at your house along with my character sheets?

    Iandra, level 5 fighter/mage

    P.S. That Elven Chain Mail Of Ingratitude has your name on it!

  3. Oh this is brilliant!!! Where can I sign up!!!

    Can I be an Angrate Adoptee?
    In reunion, still pissed as hell about her discrimination. Much to gain, nothing to lose. Armed and dangerous!

  4. Come on let me play, or I’ll tell a legislator about how bad you girls are. I’m an ex-stalker since I’ve been reunited. But I could become dangerous since I believe in restoring civil rights to all adult adoptees.

    Blood Thirsty, Level 5 Fighter

  5. Hey, I get to be the stalker birth relative…any moment now, I will kidnap my adult son from his adoptive family and magically turn him into my baby… the horror,the horror!

  6. Anyone can play, all welcome!

    gershom – Quit waving around that Scroll Of Adoption Rights Protests. You could put somebody’s eye out, girl!

    Mary Lynn – If you tell, we’ll make you play Perpetual Child next time. Oh, wait, you’re adopted – you’re already a Perpetual Child!

    maybe – Yeah, because we all know every birth relative is a stalker. You were supposed to go into hiding and forget you ever had a son, didn’t you read the rules? It’s right there in the Player’s Handbook.

    Okay everybody, roll initiative!

  7. Fantastic. Well done. Very well done!!

  8. Triona is such an imaginative thinker and writer. What a shame [for the rest of the world] that her energies and talants must be focused on the adoption plight. She could be the next George Lucas or Sydney Newman or J.K. Rowling, and might still do so.

    Although I’m not a big RPG or sci-fi fan, I cannot deny that I am
    living the role of one of the characters. And not appreciating it one bit, thank you very much.

    If only the “outside world” knew how much time and effort is expended wondering [and wandering] about our origins.

    The sooner the open records issue is resolved, the sooner we can ALL
    put our energy, experience, talents, and skills to work on pursuing our personal and societal dreams. I, for one, am sick of being mired in the adoption quagmire.

    While writing this, I’m thinking, there must be a main-stream way to
    use adoption search as the basis for an on-line game or one of those e-mails that get forwarded a million times. [Why do people waste their time and mine sending me pictures of cute kitties? And how many hours have people spent on Mystery Case Files when they could be solving real mysteries?]

    Just thinking on screen,
    Lisa Kay
    FL Adoptee born 1/21/63, Gainesville
    ISO bParents – Sandra Strickland & UF Law c/o ’64 grad

    NOTE – Originally posted on Adoption Database message board,

  9. What a hoot! You have outdone yourself and maybe come up with a boffo weapon.

  10. LoL, this is funny. Someone should make a board game out of it, literally-it’d be just as much fun as Adoptionopoly. I can see the game peices now, a little bottle of Thorazine for crazy Adoptees that refuse to accept reality that their only parents are their Adoptive parents, a little straitjacket for stalker birth mothers, a little white horse for the Adoptive Parents…

  11. Love it!!Go!